Sunday, January 8, 2012

FAQ's of a Super Pregant Lady

I've been 39 weeks pregnant twice in my life and both times I've been repeatedly asked the same questions by complete strangers and people I know.  People start asking you weird questions when they know you're pregnant, but questions get more odd and intrusive the more pregnant you look.  

I'm not trying to be mean, but stop asking me questions.  I really hate being grilled (I blame it on my teenage years), but I especially dislike questions that I've answered 15 times that day.  I try to be polite, but it's hard to smile and answer.  So, I decided to do other super pregnant ladies a favor and put together an FAQ list.  Well, this list is actually more self-serving than public service, but chalk up my responses to irritability.  

Q. Did you have that baby yet?
A:  Yes I did, but I asked the doctor to shove a basketball up there, so I could trick the whole world into thinking that I'm still pregnant.  I'd much rather be (insert place) than at home snuggling with my newborn. 

Q:  When are you going to have that baby? 
A:  If I knew when babies were going to be born, I'd start selling that information.

Q: Are you dilated?
A:  Seriously, is that any of your business?  You do know that in order for me to find that out, someone has to shove their fingers into my vagina and it's very uncomfortable.  I don't invite it to happen unless absolutely necessary and I'm not too keen on discussing what's going on up there with other people.

Q:  Are you going to work until the baby is born?
A:  Well, I'm pretty sure people don't pay you to stay home from work.  I'd also like to keep my job and I think that not showing up is grounds for dismissal.  So yes, I am dragging my rear end to work until this kiddo decides to come out. 

Q:  How are you feeling?
A:  Cranky, tired, and 45 lbs too heavy.  I have some more smart ass remarks, but I know that people who know me only ask because they care, so I try not to be annoyed by this question.

Q:  How's the baby doing?
A:  I have no idea.  As far as I know, no one is lucky enough to have a window into her uterus.  I'm also not able to telepathically communicate with the person borrowing my abdomen, so he can't tell me either. 

Q:  How much does the baby weigh?
A:  Has someone invented an intrauterine scale?  Even if they have, I wouldn't want to get that into a usable position, so I'll never know how much my baby weighs until he/she is born.  You can probably google how much a baby should weigh at each stage of development just as easily as I can.

Here is the actual public service part of my post, I wanted to give a few ideas of things that you shouldn't say to pregnant people.   

1.  If a pregnant woman is walking down a hall toward you, don't say, "Whoa, get out of her way."  Yes, one guy at the hospital really did say that to me.  I was too shocked to say anything, but now the responses abound.  I'm ready for next time.

2.  When your pregnant friend/relative has ankles that start to blend in with her calves, please don't say, "Well, that's the price you pay for beautiful babies."  Really try to avoid saying that if you're a man. 

3.  Don't talk about the size of her boobs.  She knows they are huge.

4. This comment not only has the potential to insult, but it's just cruel to give people such potentially false hope.  "Wow, by the way you're walking, I bet you are going to have that baby by (insert day)."  I guarantee she knows that she is waddling, it's another thing that can be left unsaid. 

I'm sure there are many other things that could go on either of these lists, so if you have other suggestions, please feel free to comment:) 



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